When you are the Mom of little boys, there are bound to be awkward conversations. Conversations that aren’t in the parenting handbooks. Being the only female in the house (including the dog!) things are always interesting but some talks stand out more than others. Just when you think you’ve heard it all, another zinger hits you. I can’t help but think that these are precursors to even MORE awkward conversations in the future. All I can say to you Mother’s of boys, is hold on for the ride!
Size Doesn’t Matter
It’s not what you think – at least not yet, anyway. I have two boys that are 6 and 8. Little is almost the same size as Big – who started off being one of the taller kids in
Kindergarten. Now in grade 3, he is one of the smallest. The third smallest in fact. I know because they measured. Big is a bit concerned about this and we had a chat about it. It went something like this:
Big: Mom, being one of the smallest isn’t easy. Everyone else is bigger than me.
Me: You’ll catch up. Mom and Dad are tall, so you’ll probably grow soon. You’re eating like a horse, so I bet you’re growing right now!
Big: Yeah. Still.
Me: You know, it’s not how big you are that counts, right? It’s how well you use your body. (Did I really just say that???)
Big: [Questioning look]
Me: Um… well… (I’m having terrible flashes to the future when we have those more adult conversations now – because I KNOW they won’t ask their Dad, since I get ALL the weird talks) Just do your best now and when you grow it’ll all work out. (totally LAME)
Once I’d said that whole size doesn’t matter line, I was so busy thinking about that phrase and all it connotations, that I made the conversations awkward. My boys aren’t shy about body talk so I’d better get good at this ’cause the teenage years aren’t that far away.
Skid Marks Aren’t Cool
I’m not talking about tires here, either. After all the potty training they went through, and my patient explanations about personal hygiene, sometimes they still don’t get it right. I keep having these flashbacks to a video I saw on Facebook where this guy is doing a ‘sexy’ dance for his girl. He pulls off his shirt, all the while wiggling around in his version of the moment, then he turns his back to her and slowly lowers his pants. She screams! He jumps like flea – his back hits the camera and there it is – a giant streak down his tighty whities. I laughed my ass off when I saw the video, but now all I can think of is preventing this scenario in my son’s future! (like far future, like when he’s 40 and is allowed to date)
If you’ve ever tried to have a conversation with boys of this age about butt wiping, you totally know where that is headed. Butt jokes, fart jokes, poop jokes – all of which I’m supposed to keep a straight face on about, while steering them back to the original topic. Picture me with their nasty undies hanging from my fingertips, trying to tell them how those skid marks got there in the first place and what to do about it, all the while dodging the almost hysterical humour that’s coming at me in spades. Yeah. Awkward.
Just Because It Fits…
You know where this is going, right? Awkward conversations have no boundaries – that’s what makes them, well, awkward. The other day, while I was outside, I could hear their laughter and screaming inside the house. My youngest son ran to the door to tell me that Big had peep in a water bottle. What? I rushed back inside to see him running around the house, laughing like he was insane, carrying a water bottle (thankfully with the lid screwed on!) yelling that he’d peep in it.
I am POSITIVE that this was NEVER mentioned in any parenting class, book or conversation that I’ve ever been privy to. So I did what any Mom would do. I freaked out. Then I had him throw it in the garbage (no way was I going to recycle that one!) and sent him to wash his hands while I sputtered. When he returned I said the words that I know I’m going to have to say over and over again.
Me: Just because it fits, doesn’t mean you should put it in there!
Me: What if you’d gotten stuck!!??? (I’m picturing how I’d explain THAT at the doctor’s office)
Big: But I didn’t
Me: Please don’t put your penis into anything, ok? It’s not cool.
Big: But why?
Me: ah.. it’s just not, ok? Just don’t do it again.
Big: [snickering] yeah, Mom… (and as he walked away, I swear I hear him say ‘whatever’)
It didn’t help that his Dad said it was awesome – now they were set for long car rides. Sigh… I can see that awkward conversations with my boys (and their Dad) are gonna keep coming. I suppose it’s all good practice for the teenage years when these same conversations take on a whole different meaning.
Have you had any awkward conversations with your boys? How did you handle them?